Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am putting it all out there just to get it all off my chest maybe then I can let go. I struggle a lot with the children. It is difficult to not have a break. I feel like I am the worst mother. I so badly want to do better and am working my hardest to be what they need. I am still trying to figure out how to keep Christopher a live in our house while he is away. With Gavin being such an intense child I find the life being sucked right out of me. I am trying to think of ways to handle my emotions as well as Gavin's many emotional outburst. Play dates quickly turn to melt downs and fun is hard to be had. I am at a loss really. I am hoping that once Logan is old enough to move around that things will become easier for all of us. I am so tired and overwhelmed that I find it hard to hear my own inner thoughts. I have lost a lot of myself and I need to slowly regain control of who I am and not what motherhood has made me. Please understand that our children come first and that they mean the world to me. I guess when I used to think of mother hood I never realized all the joy that I would feel, but also how much pain I will experiance along the way. I have my bad days just like everyone else, but I just talk it more personally. Like I did something wrong to cause it. God is directing my path and I know that he is making me a better mother everyday. I think that I tend to feel this way when it gets close to Chris coming home. I miss my love so much and desire to see his face. He always brings a smile to my face and peace to my heart.