Thursday, January 29, 2009

Honestly

I am putting it all out there just to get it all off my chest maybe then I can let go. I struggle a lot with the children. It is difficult to not have a break. I feel like I am the worst mother. I so badly want to do better and am working my hardest to be what they need. I am still trying to figure out how to keep Christopher a live in our house while he is away. With Gavin being such an intense child I find the life being sucked right out of me. I am trying to think of ways to handle my emotions as well as Gavin's many emotional outburst.  Play dates quickly turn to melt downs and fun is hard to be had. I am at a loss really. I am hoping that once Logan is old enough to move around that things will become easier for all of us. I am so tired and overwhelmed that I find it hard to hear my own inner thoughts. I have lost a lot of myself and I need to slowly regain control of who I am  and not what motherhood has made me. Please understand that our children come first and that they mean the world to me. I guess when I used to think of mother hood I never realized all the joy that I would feel, but also how much pain I will experiance along the way. I have my bad days just like everyone else, but I just talk it more personally. Like I did something wrong to cause it. God is directing my path and I know that he is making me a better mother everyday. I think that I tend to feel this way when it gets close to Chris coming home. I miss my love so much and desire to see his face. He always brings a smile to my face and peace to my heart. 

3 comments:

MarthaStuart said...

Erin, I can understand what you're going through and will be praying that things get easier. It is easy as perfectionists for us to get up in the "cause and effect" idea. Our own "karma." However, that is not how God works. He teaches each of us in this season what we need to become a stronger person to serve him better. By serving our children we are serving Him. It is so hard doing it alone for sure. I am grateful each day that I have a husband and that I don't have to do it alone ALL the time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! For me the time before they get home is often the worst and I choke up just thinking about it. Hang in there and know that I am praying for you. If I were there I'd give you a BIG hug and we could have some "girl time."

The Koza's said...

Erin, First off you need to give yourself some props! Think about how amazing your baby boys will be at life and to think... you are the reason! You being able to stay home with them in the first place is amazing all on its own. I don't have any words of advice to make it easier, but I can say that only with time, it will feel like it is. Today is always the best day in your life, so try to remember that you are an awesome mom and are entitled to feel upset/frustrated/sad/week/etc or all of the above. You are a wonderful mommy and wife, you just need to pat yourself on the back! :)

Mark and Julie said...

Motherhood isn't an easy thing! It has many rewards but many more demands. You need to make sure that you congratulate yourself for how well you are doing, and whenever possible take time for yourself. I wish we were closer, I'd take the boys for you so you could have some free time.

I don't know how you do it alone, sriously. I couldn't do that, I would go NUTS. There are many days that I am SOOOOO glad we chose to put them in daycare. Is that a possibility for your situation? I know I feel like a better mother to them when I get a break and some quality time to myself. I'll be thinking about and praying for you!